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By R.A. Mathews

He had one wife, and then a second, and then a third. He’s now with his fourth wife.

This very unhappy man, a long-time friend I’ll call Sam, is truly a good person. I remember watching as he made these choices and wondering what was going on. Each time, I tried to question Sam, but he became angry.

It wasn’t until his son married that Sam said to me, “He’s smarter than I was.”

The four wives were very much alike, and Sam now acknowledges that they were a reflection of his poor self-esteem. 

“I just didn’t realize it,” he said. “If I had asked, ‘Is this the woman I want my son to marry?’ or ‘Is this the woman I want my daughter to become?’ I would have seen that I was making a huge mistake.”

In Scripture, David likewise approached marriage with poor self-esteem. He thought he wasn’t good enough to marry King Saul’s daughters. Here’s the passage. 

“Then Saul said to David, ‘Here is my older daughter Merab’…  But David said to Saul, ‘Who am I, and who is my family, or my father’s family in Israel, that I should be the king’s son-in-law?’” (I Samuel 18:17-18, NASB).

Listen, this happened not once but twice! 

“Now Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved David…  Therefore Saul said to David, ‘For a second time you may become my son-in-law’…   But David said, ‘Is it trivial in your sight to become the king’s son-in-law, since I am only a poor man and insignificant?’” (I Samuel 18:20-23, NASB).

David did marry Michal but only after providing the king with a dowry.

During this time, King Saul had begun to fear that David would seize his kingdom, and Saul set out to kill him. Moreover, Saul married Michal to another man.

Years later, when Saul died in battle with the Philistines, David stepped forward to claim the kingdom God had given to him. That’s when civil war ensued between David’s forces and those of Saul’s son, Ish-Bosheth.

Eventually, Saul’s side sought peace with David. As part of the agreement, the king’s daughter had to be returned to David.

But what David, the young general, had wanted in a wife became very different from what King David wanted. He was now the man God had chosen over Saul. Let me show you how he changed.

Remember, David praised the Lord seven times a day. Once he secured the kingdom, he brought the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. This was Israel’s most sacred possession, built in the wilderness as the Hebrews fled Pharaoh and containing the tablets with the Ten Commandments. You’ll see in the passage how thrilled David was on that day.

”So David went to bring up the ark of God…  Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets” (2 Samuel 6:12-15, NASB).

In the midst of the celebration, King Saul’s daughter said something terrible to David.

“As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart… 

“When David returned home…  [Michal] said, ‘How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!’” (2 Samuel 6:16-20, NASB).

But David no longer saw himself as a man not good enough for a princess.

“David said to Michal, ‘It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel — I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes’”(2 Samuel 6:21-22, NASB).

From that moment on, it looks as though David refused to have anything more to do with her. Scripture says, “And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death” (2 Samuel 6:23, NASB).

If you’re getting married or have a child, grandchild, niece, nephew, or friend in that position, sometimes there’s little realization that the choice of a partner comes from low self-esteem just as when David chose Michal.

Remember Sam, unhappily with his fourth wife? He now knows what he should have said before he married: Would I want my son to choose this woman? Would I want my daughter to become this woman?

They’re two questions worth asking.

 

Look for the Rev. R.A. Mathews at RAMathews.com where you can contact her and read her biography and samples of her books. Copyright © 2025 R.A. Mathews.

 

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