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In need of a Hallmark moment

To the list of difficult things to do, add “picking out a card.” Don’t know why, but that one still gives me the most trouble.

What do you say? What’s appropriate? I think it’s funny. Will they think it’s funny? Should it even be funny?

And even though there are cards for all occasions, there really are not cards for all occasions. Be not fooled faceless consumer.

There are cards for when someone you know is sick. There are cards for when someone you know just lost someone they know. There are cards for when someone you know is having a birthday. There are cards for when you are celebrating your anniversary with someone you should know. Christmas. Valentine’s Day. Mothers Day. Fathers Day. Grandparents Day. Basic commercialized holidays are covered. There are cards for nephews and nieces, grandmothers and grandfathers, sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. Everybody is covered, right?

What about the birthday card for that girl that you have been talking to for kind of a little while, but neither of you is altogether certain of where the whole thing is heading, so you don’t want a card that says either too much or too little? Answer me that one, Mr. Hallmark. What is your perfect card in that situation? That’s right. You don’t have one do you?

So maybe the way to go is a blank card. You know, nothingness on the inside, generic mildly intersting picture on the out? But those never seem quite right.

Or you could make a card. But if you don’t necessarily have the talent for that sort of thing, doing such is ill-advised. That route for me would probably still involve construction paper and bad handwriting, essentially serving as a less authentic recreation of a similar card I made for my mother in the first grade. “Happy Birthday Mom. I love you!”

I was far more enthusiastic about things back then. But do you really want to send the same Crayola red, poorly written message to a prospective romantic interest that you sent to your mother 20 years ago? I suppose that depends on your perspective on Freudian theories in regards to relationships. My leanings in that department would point to a big negatory. So I’m left to just do what I normally do: walk around the aisle for a while and ultimately do nothing at all.

If things go poorly, I blame you, capitalistic greeting card maker. I blame you.

Jeremy D. Smith is the sports editor of The Demopolis Times.